I send an SOS text to Cory, "I feel shy and weird here", because it's true, I do.
This conference stuff, it weirds me out a little. It sets me off-kilter. I don't like fighting for space in a conversation. I don't want to work the room. I don't know the language. My phone isn't even smart.
I really like talking with you, lovelies. I like thinking in print. That's pretty much the sum total of all I know about this blogging gig.
But there's a purpose in being cast out from where I'm so easy in my skin. There's beauty in balancing my universe a little; of feeling the lightness of anonymity and the power of listening instead of talking.
Through all of the recent change, all of the going, all of the shifting around of my insides, I feel a sure push away from comfortable and into the unknown. I can't shake the feeling that God likes me uneasy in my boots. He holds me tighter when my knees get wobbly.
Everything about Him tells me less is more, but can I really trust that?
Can you?
Can we trust that in our smallness He's made greater? Can we comprehend that He picks us because and not in spite of it? Can we believe that in these feelings of great dorkiness we will find ourselves in Him?
I'm ready to rest in the magnitude of small.
2 Corinthians 12:9, Sister.
ReplyDeleteI couldn't agree more. When I'm feeling awkward and unsure, that's when I feel Him the most. You're brave and you're loved. You got this :)
ReplyDeleteXOXO,
Angie
oh my gosh, I love this and dont want to chew on it too hard for fear of where it might take me . . .
ReplyDeleteit's especially awkward and awesome when one sends her friend to find you and take a picture with you.
ReplyDeletei'm pretty positive i'd feel the exact same as you if i were there... in my slouchy consignment jeans.
Ha! It was awesome. Did you hear that she was sitting at the next table the entire time? She was super fun.
DeleteSo much feel this post. I am a preacher kid and a lot times feel awkward and alone. Most people are scared to be close to the pastors daughter. Thanks for posting. ~Jen (would be so happy to have you as a follower)
ReplyDeleteOh, we are so opposite. I LOVE conferences! I could "own a room" in my sleep. Put me on a stage in front of hundreds or thousands and I'm all comfy cozy. But for me to write a blog post...and hit publish...and post the link on my Facebook and twitter...well, that can about give me hives. But I know God wants me to write. So (not often enough) I pull up the blog and put some words down and pray God's grace sustains me.
ReplyDeleteI'm a fellow weirdo who loves public speaking. (I did a lot of it in my previous life.) I just get all twitchy when I have to work the room. I need you to be my handler. ;)
DeleteI can so do that! We'll play Haaaavvve You Met Shannan? (You have to watch How I Met Your Mother for that to be funny)
DeleteHe must increase, I must decrease. Small is where it's at!
ReplyDeleteLoved this: "I don't like fighting for space in a conversation." Totally sums up the way I feel in big groups. ("Less is more" is my 31 days topic! Linked to your "Going" yesterday. Really enjoying your series and am being moved by it- thanks! :)
ReplyDeleteRight there with ya! It's all part of the stepping down process for me... the lower I go the more I shake. Would have loved to make it to that conference just to hear you speak. ;)
ReplyDeleteBeing quiet and small - those ideas are being confirmed over and over again in my spirit. Thank you for sharing your heart here. You don't know how much it means to me.
ReplyDeleteI too hate fighting for space in a conversation. That's such a good way to put it. It's so awesome that you are pushing yourself out of your comfort zone, AND feeling God hold you and your wobbly knees!
ReplyDeletei know that uncomfortable feeling. just be you friend...smart phone or not;)
ReplyDeleteI really relate to this post. I love blogging where I can think about exactly what I'm going to say...check the spelling and the syntax, and finally put it into the world, feeling confident that it's accurately representing me (in the way I want to be represented...) :) Put me in a crowd and watch the amazing foot eating woman! So, I just keep my mouth shut and listen for the most part! Then in my silence, I can hear God a little more, and when I'm too shy to speak up in a conversation, or having a hard time squeezing myself in there - guess who's there to listen and weighs the heart if my phrasing isn't just right?
ReplyDeleteOh, I don't like working the room either, mainly because I haven't a clue how. I know I should be jealous of everyone who got to go to Influence---because I wanted to go, too, except that I really didn't. I want to be a hermit and stay home forever and ever and just type.
ReplyDeleteI loved this post as much as I love everything else you say. <3
My phone is not smart either...and I like getting to use the backspace key when I type something dumb...no backspace key in speaking :)
ReplyDeleteWe can be small, because He is mighty....don't ya think?
ReplyDeleteyour nervous doesn't weird me out, but that chandy is scary awesome. (we have a customer that says that all the time. "scary awesome." couldn't resist. makes me giggle.
ReplyDeletebtw.....love your "honesty" it's my favorite. :)
this blogging thing undoes me.
ReplyDeletemaybe that's why i haven't been to a blog conference.
i seriously doubt that i can hang with the big dogs.
i blog about soul stuff and decorating my house for fall, go figure.
it's ridiculous. writing your soul stuff is so vulnerable. talking about my fall decor is easy...comfortable.
i've been doing this for 3 years, and at least 6 times a year i think i'm quitting because i can't figure out exactly what i want my blog to be about.
all the people who know me best read my blog...and they love how i decorate, but they all tell me the same thing..."you should write more."
love,
your frustrated friend.